I awoke on September 11, 2002, about 6:30 a.m. I was spiritually conflicted which is my understanding that spirit world is speaking to me. It can be very frustrating at least for me when Spirit is speaking and I cannot figure it out.
I called my young adult children and asked if they were alright. I checked on my youngest son, too. Then I just got absorbed in my "episode" of Bipolar.
I was unable to really write more than a few chicken scratches. My speech was somewhat blurred. My motor skills lacking. Much of that due to the 11 medications I was still taking. Yep 11. I moved through the morning slowly and then I went back to my room.
You see, the weekend before September 11, 2001, I moved from my nice townhome to my parents' home. I was homeless. I had to give up my home due to my divorce. My oldest son had just relocated to West Virginia State University. I had made the most difficult decision to place my youngest son into a group home because I could not care for him at home alone with his multiple disabilities. So, there I was at my parents' house in a deep depression and struggling to pour orange juice into a red plastic cup and take my first round of meds for the day.
I climbed back in bed and turned to face the sunny window when my mom burst the bedroom open. "The World Trade Center just blew up into a thousand pieces!" She yelled. I froze and my heart stood still. I thought she meant the Maryland World Trade Center where my God-Mother/Aunt worked. At that time, my God-Mother was my spiritual lifeline. I was numb. Then I reached for the phone and hit speed dial. All the lines were down.
I went into my parents bedroom where they were glued to the television. I was as numb as anybody else watching, but I was relieved it was not my God-Mother's location. (Sorry). Then I sat next to my father who could not speak by now. He was in end-stage colon cancer. His eyes spoke for him. I glanced at his morphine pump and wanted a shot, but I just climbed back into the bed I was staying in.
I could not handle all the excitement with my racing thoughts and the medicine was beginning to take effect. When I came out of that drug-induced state in the afternoon, I listened to Dr. Phil explain to Oprah's guests (I think it was a repeat show or something) that the only way to turn your life around is to turn every negative thought into a positive one.
Those words resonated in my spirit. I tried to catch a negative thought and flip it around. So much was going on in my head as the day was late and all the news coverage and talk about the tragedy. I remember telling myself it did not happen and all was good. There was no where for me to hide on that day and the days afterwards except inside my head. The only way for me to find peace inside my head was to keep flipping those thoughts around. The suicide thoughts. The panic thoughts. The weary thoughts. The worthless thoughts. The sorrowful thoughts. The painful thoughts. Every one that I was able to catch, I flipped it around.
Yesterday, I sat amongst family/friends grieving for a relative who disappeared on August 31, 2008. On September 5, 2008, her 19-year-old body was found. It was badly decomposed. She was a good aspiring young lady. It was a little hard to slow my thoughts down at times because I only take two medications today. So, I decided to think for a few minutes about Sept. 11, 2001, and thank God for how much my mind had recovered from that experience, followed a month later by my father's death.
I thank God for His mercy and grace and I know He will bring peace to all of us because He does not allow anything to happen that will not bring Him all the glory!Agnes B. Levine
Author of: "Cooling Well Water: A Collection of Work By An African-American Bipolar Woman" ISBN 0975461206 Winter 2008 Release Pending
www.myspace.com/coolingwellwater (Subscribe Now)
Founder/President: Levine-Oliver Publisher, the Exclusive publishing home of Swaggie Coleman.
Posted By: agnes levine
Friday, September 12th 2008 at 11:54AM
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